A year without you
by N1L2
Summary: My first and complete. Please review and comment... I really have no idea what I'm doing and I'm trying out writing fanfic for a hobby. A year after Derek died. Meredith get sick, she starts hallucinate Derek, but is she really hallucinating?
1. Chapter 1

Derek had passed away a year today. Meredith wanted to be alone but she had work: being a surgeon and a mother. On top of that, Meredith didn't get any sleep. She came home late with a small headache, which was understandable as she had just finished a 14 hour surgery. Ellis had kept her up most of the night and Bailey had a bad dream that needed attention to. Even Zola woke up early and wouldn't go back to bed.

Feeling exhausted, Meredith got to the hospital late, left the kids in daycare and hurried to catch up on rounds. She was late and tired and her headache started worsen.

"You don't look that well" Alex commented to Meredith who was having trouble finding a chart. "I'm fine" Meredith said though the pounding in her head was becoming worse.

She stumbled to the OR board and leaned against the wall. She looked at the writing but couldn't focus on it, that took too much work. She stood there for at least 5 minutes not wanting to move. "You were late for rounds" Chief Bailey exclaimed disappointed as she came up behind Meredith to look at the board. Mer turned around. "Wow, you also look exhausted. Go home Grey" Bailey said. She looked back at the board, "I'll reschedule your surgeries".

"No, I'm fine, I'm fine. I WILL do my surgeries today and then I'll go home and try to get some sleep... if my kids allow me to".

At lunch, Mer's headache went from a pounding to a constant pressure. Meredith rested her head against the cool table and wished for the next day to come. Maggie came and set her food tray down next to her sisters head. As Meredith lifted her eyes, Maggie put her hand to Mer's forehead. "You're burning up. Go home." Maggie was worried so she went to find Alex.

"Meredith has never been this type of sick. She is sometimes a little tired when the kids are trouble or when she isn't feeling well, but she usually just sucks it up at work. Do you know what's going on?" Maggie asked Alex. He shrugged and promised to talk to her after his surgery.

Maggie knew something was bothering Meredith today. She just couldn't figure out what.

"Beep beep beep beep". Meredith stood up and steadied herself, a bit dizzy, but still grabbed her pager. It was a 911 appendectomy. "See you tonight. You're making dinner" she said to Maggie and left to scrub for her surgery.

In the OR, Mer made the first cut, trying to focus with the bright lights all around her. They seemed really bright and it just made her headache worse. "Go home" Penny said as she was assisting. Penny knew that today was significant to Meredith. Today was the day Penny had lost her "one". Penny still prays for Derek's family every morning (even after finding out that she would be working under Meredith). But she prayed extra hard this morning.

"Will everyone stop telling me to go home. I'm fine" Meredith replied, teeth clenched as a wave of pain hit her through the head.

Stepping away from the table not wanting to danger her patient, Meredith reached out for something to hold onto. The tray prepared for the appendectomy crashed to the floor. Dizziness washed over her and he stumbled out of the OR. Bailey (who had been watching in the gallery, knowing something was off with her general surgeon) immediately rushed down to scrub to take over for Meredith. She was worried for her attending.

Mer made it to an on call room. Holding onto the door knob she closed the door. The force of the door closing pushed he onto the floor. Mentally and physically dizzy, tired, weak, and hurting she lay there eyes closed.

As soon as his surgery was over, Alex ran to the OR board and looked for Meredith's name. He had a feeling something was wrong. He grabbed a mask, and opened the OR door to find Bailey. "Where's Mer?" Alex asked through his mask, getting more worried by the second. Bailey replied also worried "I don't know, I took over because she looked like she was going to faint. You should check on her when you have the chance. I'm almost done but page me when you find her. I am going to send her home".

Alex ran out of the OR and started opening supply closets and on call rooms. He finally opened a dark on call to find Mer unconscious on the floor.

He shook his friend awake and helped her to sit up. "Mer, you really should go home" Alex stroked her hair, feeling her hot forehead and gently kissing it.

"Derek?"

"No Mer. it's Alex"

"Derek, I'm not okay. I might be dying... for being a bad mother" Mer hallucinated.

"Meredith listen to me. Derek is not here but I am. Let's get you home" Alex moved to help her stand up.

Meredith looked past Alex. "I'm failing Derek. I mean, will you still love me if I fail?". Meredith then collapsed again, her whole body feeling like fire. "I need some help in here" Alex yelled, knowing his friend needed more help than just getting home. Bailey, having just finished surgery heard Alex's call and ran into the room. "I'm positive she has a fever of over 100 degrees, I found her unconscious but she woke up and started hallucinating Derek until about 30 seconds ago."

20min later

Mer was barely awake so she was being monitored. An iv was attached to her arm, she was dehydrated. "It's just a bad migraine" Bailey whispered as she came into the low lit room to talk to her patient, attending, student, and friend. "You're sick, you will go home tomorrow and get some rest".

Meredith, half conscious murmured "Ellis, Bailey, Zola?"

"Maggie has your kids so you don't have to worry about them. Let's focus on getting you better. I will take care of your service until then. Sleep some more and page me or Alex if you need anything". Bailey closed the door to let Meredith sleep.

20min later

Amelia softly opened the door and came into Mer's hospital room to check on her. "I'm here if you need me". She put her hand on Mer's sheets. Meredith half opened her eyes. "Derek?"

Bailey then came in and stood behind Amelia thinking something was wrong. The flu shouldn't make someone collapse so many times. There must be an additional stress... something emotionally overwhelming... like Derek. Meredith was hallucinating Derek... but why?

"I'm failing. I'm a bad bad mother Derek". Meredith fell unconscious again. Bailey said to Amelia "she's still hallucinating and then collapsing. I don't know why".

Amelia wiped tears from her eyes. "My brother dies exactly a year ago this date. Mer used to be worried that she would be like her own mother, a bad mother, but Derek quickly helped her to prove that she was wrong. Now as a single parent, Mer is having trouble again. She got in late because the kids were giving her trouble last night because she came home late after surgery. One person shouldn't have all that responsibility".

Dr. Bailey immediately understood. It all made sense. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know that it happened this time last year".

"Derek?" A weak call came from the bed.

"Meredith listen to me. It's Amelia, your sister, Derek's sister. Derek died last year in a car accident. He's dead Meredith. He's not here." Amelia just let the tears run down her cheeks, not bothering to wipe them away anymore.

Meredith replied in a faint voice. "I know. It was just a year ago that my husband died and left me to take care of my kids by myself. Bailey can you please give me something for this stupid headache."

"Of-of-of course Meredith". Bailey set her emotions aside and started readjusting the medical equipment behind Mer's bed. Amelia silently left the room and went to find Owen. He always knew what to say, and today of all days he would be her person.

As soon as the door closed behind Amelia, Meredith went into cardiac arrest. "Charge to 200" Bailey shouted, panicked, as nurses rushed in the room.

Meredith could hear Derek calling to her. She reached forth and went into his arms.


	2. Chapter 2

Maggie was at home eating dinner with the kids. After saying goodbye to Meredith, she picked up the kids and took them home. "Mommy is okay guys, just a little bit tired. Aunty Bailey will take very good care of her and I will take care of you until Mommy comes back tomorrow. You can go upstairs and play before bed now".

Maggie's pager beeped. A 911 for a patient who keeps going into cardiac arrest for an unknown reason. She got halfway up the stairs to tell the kids to leave for hospital daycare so that she could answer her page, when the phone rang.

"Hello? This is Grey-Sloan Memorial Hospital" a lady said on the other side of the line.

Maggie held the phone to her ear. "I know, I know. I'm being paged. I'm coming".

"I'm sorry, Ma'am, is this the home of Meredith Grey?" The hospital receptionist asked.

"It is... She's my sister. I'm Maggie, the chief of cardiac surgery at Grey Sloan" Maggie was confused.

"Can you come as soon as possible... for Meredith Grey" the receptionist clarified.

"Why? What's happened? Is Meredith the reason... that I am being paged? Oh my god Mer... I thought it was just the flu..." Maggie stammered, not sure what to think and how to feel.

"Maggie? It's Dr. Bailey" Miranda snatched the phone away from the receptionist not bearing to hear Maggie worry any longer.

"Chief? What's wrong? I'm on my way. Is Mer..."

"Meredith is not dead but she is barely holding on. Unfortunately no other heart surgeon is on call. Can you be her doctor Maggie or should I send your sister to another hospital." Bailey warned.

"No, no, no. I'm coming right now. I can handle it. I'll see you in 10 minutes." Maggie hung up, stressed, but she knew she had to hide it from the kids. "Let's go Zola, Bailey, and Ellis" Maggie called. "Mommy said we would go visit Daddy today, is that where we are going now? Graveyards are scary in the dark." Zola asked innocently as she put her jacket on.

Maggie then remembered it was exactly a year ago when Derek died. "We can visit his grave another time Zola. Daddy is in a better place now." Maggie replied slowly and thoughtfully. "And Mer better not join him today" Maggie muttered under her breath.


	3. Chapter 3

Meredith was, in fact, with her husband. "I love you, I've missed you so much. I need you, I love you".

After snuggling in his arms and smelling his sweet scent and kissing his familiar lips, Mer finally wondered what was happening.

"Derek... Does this mean I've died?" Meredith managed to ask between kisses.

Derek broke away saddened. "No Mer. You are in between. It is your choice where you want to go".

"You mean I have to choose between you and my kids".

"Unfortunately Mer, and I will love you no matter what you decide".

"How long do I have" Meredith said. She wanted desperately to have both Derek and her kids together in their perfect dream house with everyone around. The kids could grow up happily with a father and mother...

Derek breaks his wife out of her fantasy dream. "Honey your heart stops every 5 minutes. Bailey has to shock you every 5 minutes. Maggie is on her way but your body can't take the shocking much longer. I'll say you have about 15 more minutes before your body gives way and you stay with me forever."

"I'm sorry Derek but I can't leave our kids to be orphans. I also can't leave Maggie or Amelia".

Derek stops Meredith and takes hold of her hands. He knows that she is going to choose to go back. "Amelia" he sighed. "When you go back tell her that I love her. She has a talent and ambition that will make her go for. No matter how hard it gets, tell her to never give up. I'm always supporting her". Derek checks his watch. Time is almost up.

Meredith speaks again. "I'm sorry but everyone is depending on me. I want to be with you but..."

"I will always be with you Mer. You know that I'm always with you right? Trust that I'm with you even if you can't hold me because I am holding you".

"I will never forget you. I love you Derek".

"I love you too".

And after a long kiss Mer broke away. Keeping eye contact with her one and true love she backed away slowly and into the light.


	4. Chapter 4

Meanwhile, Zola was very confused. "Aunty Maggie, I thought you said Mommy is okay. You said she was just tired and a general surgeon needs to take care of her. Not a heart surgeon".

"Well Zola, I'm just going to go check up one her". Maggie pulled into the ambulance bay and dragged the kids out of the car. She handed them over to a nurse to take them up to daycare. Maggie then ran to Meredith's room and found Dr. Bailey outside of it. Panting, she asked what had happened.

"Meredith's been going into cardiac arrest and I've been shocking her for the last 15 minutes BUT it's been a long time since her heart has stopped again. I think it's from exhaustion and an overwhelming amount of thinking with no time to be alone".

Maggie nods to Bailey and pushes through the door to find her sister awakening.

"Derek... he..."

Maggie starts to listen to Meredith's heart. "I know, he died last year. I'm so sorry I didn't remember... until Zola said something".

"Yeah..." Meredith realized that no one would believe her if she said that she had seen and talked to Derek.

"I'm glad you chose to come back Mer" Maggie finished her check up on her sister but couldn't find anything wrong. "You need rest, your body's tired. As far as I can see it's just the flu that's causing your migraine. I have no idea how your heart suddenly stopped again and again and now it's fine, but the important thing is that it's fine. Feel better, and if you need anything don't be afraid to call me. I'll happily take care of your kids and your house until you are discharged. I'll come back in the morning before rounds. Get better Mer, and don't scare us again".

Suddenly the door flew open. "Mummy mummy mummy!" Zola ran in with Bailey and Ellis behind her. They jumped on their mom's bed and hugged her. A daycare supervisor came running in behind the children. "Sorry sorry sorry. They ran past me and I couldn't catch up. I'm so sorry". The supervisor didn't know if she should beg for forgiveness from the patient or the doctor in the room.

"Mommy loves you" Meredith said one hand wrapping around Ellis, one hand rubbing her own head. Bailey, seeing Meredith's headache come back again, lifts Ellis and Bailey off the bed. Zola follows, the good girl that she is.

"I'll give you more meds for the migraine" Bailey said quietly while she shut the door, minimizing the light entering the room.

"Thanks" Meredith said both to Maggie and Bailey. She waved goodbye to her kids, who left quietly with Maggie.

Outside the room, Amelia and Owen were running to Mer's room when they saw Maggie and the kids. "We hear Mer was going into cardiac arrest but there was a trauma so we couldn't come until now. How is she?" Owen said because he knew his wife would be too emotional to talk.

"Mer's fine. I think her heart stopped a few times because of exhaustion and an overwhelming pressure to be a mother and still work, all perfectly. And today, of all days. It's just a migraine so be mindful of that". Maggie ushered the kids back to the ambulance bay so they could go back to Meredith's house.

Meanwhile, Amelia and Owen quietly went into Meredith's room.

"She's just fallen asleep." Bailey whispered to the couple. "Everything is fine. If you have time, can you stay here with her? When she wakes up she will need a distraction from worrying about everything. I have a meeting but I will be back shortly. Thanks". Bailey patted Mer's arm and then left for her meeting.

Amelia and Owen had just sat down when Meredith opened her eyes. "Hey Mer... glad to see you are doing okay".

Meredith rolled her eyes (which hurt by the way). She was not okay. She had a stupid headache. "Thanks. Amelia will you make sure Maggie is okay with the kids. She's all by herself and I'm worried they're going to be too much trouble".

Amelia nodded at her sister and then looked to Owen. Through their eye contact, Owen could sense that his wife wanted him to say something to distract Mer from worrying. "So... Ummm..." Now it was Amelia's turn to roll her eyes. Is that all he could come up with?

Meredith spoke directly to Amelia. "Derek says he loves you. He says that you have a talent and ambition that will make you go far. No matter how hard it gets, he says he will always support you and to never give up".


	5. Chapter 5

After her long speech, Meredith falls back onto her pillow, tired. Amelia, shocked, stands there while Owen looks confused. "I'll give you two some time alone and then we should let Meredith rest" Owen says to Amelia. He walks out of the room.

"So you saw Derek" Amelia says unsure of what she just heard.

"Yes. I went to him when my heart stopped. He told me to say all of that to you".

Amelia, not quite sure if she should believe her sister, nods and looks into the distance, missing her brother. "Derek..." she smiles and then says softly "I'll stay over at your place tonight to help Maggie. If you need anything at all, phone me and you and I can talk. You have many people willing to help. Many people are willing to be your person. Remember that".

Amelia leaves to join her husband outside the room. She still has one more surgery before she will spend the night with Zola, Bailey, and Ellis. Owen understands.

Meredith is left alone in her hospital room. She is finally by herself to do some thinking but all her mind will let her focus on is Derek.

"I love you Derek" she says into the empty room. And in that moment, she could feel Derek holding her and whispering back.

"I love you too".


End file.
